Coffee Stains

OK, so my first post on marriage and ADHD is on coffee stains.  I do not have ADHD, but my DH most likely does.  The coffee stains he leaves on the counter are the tip of a very large iceberg.  He drives me crazy with his disorganization, messiness, and laziness around the house.  And he can't even SEE the stains on the counter.

Look, if you're married to someone with ADHD, there are a few very important survival tips I want to pass on to you.

1)  Don't expect your spouse to SEE that everything is awry.   A good way to do this without nagging is to have some sort of "to-do" list.  They'll probably still ignore it, unintentionally, but if they're a good spouse, they'll try not to.

2)  Don't refuse to talk about what is bothering you.  Most of the time, your spouse probably didn't notice it because they were very distracted by other things.

3)  Sit down and review the day's events in the morning.  Don't expect your spouse to remember what there is to do, especially if it is something off routine.  You might even set an example by setting an alarm so you don't forget to do it.

4)  Remember the person you married.  You were probably attracted to that person who was so spontaneous and the life of the party and a bit careless with their money when it came to you.  You wouldn't have that person in your life if you didn't also have the other stuff too.  Its a package deal :)

5)  The coffee stains should not be a marriage breaker.  Read some books and learn what it is like to have adult ADHD, and you'll understand that the coffee stains are not a reason to believe your spouse doesn't care about you.

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Gymnastics and ADHD

We thought long and hard about putting DD into sports.  I had never really been into sports as a kid, but DD had (and still has) so much energy, that it really seemed like a better outlet than say, jumping on the couch all day.  DH (who also has ADHD) played several sports badly as a kid, then graduated to recreational cycling and softball as an adult.

DH  made the comment that he spent a lot of time in the baseball outfield getting yelled at for things he had no idea about, but that he does much better as a pitcher in softball, because its harder not to pay attention.  At any rate, I thought it probably would be the same for DD.  She loves to pick flowers and she'd probably do more of that than catching fly balls.  So, softball was out.

Then, we thought about martial arts, but we don't have a YMCA around here, so you have to go to a private dojo.   I know a lot of people with ADHD love Tae Kwon Do.   More expensive than our wallet could afford.

So, we settled on gymnastics.  DD has the build of Mary Lou Retton, so we thought, maybe it would work out for her.  Well, after two seasons of gymnastics, we can definitely say a few things:

•  If you pick a sport for your ADHD child, pick something that you're pretty sure they'll love.  Because if they're motivated, they'll try hard to pay attention.
• Individual sports are nice because they let you progress at your own rate, and they give you baby steps to making progress, which is just what works for kids with ADHD.  However, especially in the pre-competition stages, you have to be consistently involved if you want to make friends.  
• Reminding your child of a few points of etiquette before each lesson helps.  Ok, maybe just one at a time.  We are working on things like:  stay with your class, listen to the teacher, and watch the other students when it isn't your turn.
• Group lessons are difficult, but they can be done if the groups are small and the atmosphere is quiet.  We noticed that DD absolutely could not cope at swim lessons (all the splashing was just too much distraction), but gymnastics worked out ok on most days for her because the number of the students in the gym was fairly small (maybe 12 at the most).

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Book Review: The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene

Rating: 5 stars if your child has ODD, 4 stars for others

Many children (and adults) with ADHD suffer from impulsive anger, a hot temper, or explosive outbursts.  Some carry a formal diagnosis of ODD, others may not have full blown symptoms but may be at risk.  Whatever you call it, its not fun to live with.

This book explains that in ADHD and ODD, this is due to an inability to deal with life in a flexible way, and proposes a solution which the author has labeled "Collaborative Problem Solving".  The book is mainly written for parents, but an adult reading the book in an attempt to understand their own anger might also benefit.

The main approach is to choose very carefully which problems to deal with now and which to put off for later, and to keep the child calm enough to problem solve the remainder of issues.  It also explains how to troubleshoot if the method is not working--for example, if dysfunctional family dynamics are playing a role.  It is a lot of work to teach your child how to deal with the world in a less rigid way, so that they don't melt down every time things don't go their way, but as the author points out, you're already working hard at parenting, so you might as well do something that makes your hard work pay off.

There is a good reason this book is still in print after 13 years.  It is practical and it helps if you do the work and use it over the long term.  It may not be entirely applicable for normal children or for children with ADHD and no ODD, but even in those cases, it is worth reading to see if you can glean some good tips for dealing with angry kids.

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The Writing on the Wall--Managing Mornings

Mornings are a terrible time for many people with ADHD.  If you combine a tendency toward staying up late and sleeping in with no medications first thing in the morning, things can get pretty rocky.

I have to admit, our mornings are pretty laid back, since we homeschool and we don't have any lessons until 9AM.  Even so, we do believe our children should learn to get up and be at work by a certain time.  Our child has a tendency to stay in bed, reading, instead of starting her morning routine right away.

After several months of screaming, nagging, and withholding breakfast, I decided that our current strategy wasn't working.   So, I decided to sit down and negotiate a solution with our child.  She came up with the idea of putting a reminder sign up in her room.  I was skeptical, but we made the signs and amazingly, they worked.  For a few weeks.  Then it was back to square one.

Well, I got tired of it again, so I made new signs.  Hooray for persistence!  And this time the other child also got the message as well.  We'll see how long it works this time ;)

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Why Everything ADHD?

Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder.  A long name and yet not long enough.  Not enough to describe everything that happens in the brain of someone with this diagnosis, and not enough to describe what to do with it, either.

I first started learning about ADHD when I was in medical school, and back then, it was simplistic.  Checklists, meds, on to the next disease.

Then I married a guy with ADHD.  And it was an inconvenience, one that we learned to laugh about, most days, when I wasn't totally frustrated about the messes he never noticed.

Then our daughter was born, and she was brilliant, but she was a handful.  She learned to stand up when she was 6 months old and from then on, it was go go go.  Mostly climbing, in fact.  She would focus on things for a long time.  She was intensely emotional.  And she could never sit still.  And that was when I learned that ADHD was a gift, but also a burden to be labored under.  I wondered about meds.  Then I wondered about other therapies.  I read a lot of books about parenting.  I pestered our pediatrician.  And I prayed that I would do things right, for her sake.

I've also published a number of articles on ADHD for Yahoo! Voices.

So I come at this from a lot of different perspectives, hence "Everything".  Hopefully, you'll laugh and cry and think hard with me.