Disciplining a child with ADHD is difficult and can make the
best of parents break down in tears or completely lose it. One of the most important and helpful things
I learned early on in my parenting journey is that while ADHD isn’t caused by
poor parenting, learning the right parenting skills can make a huge difference
in everyone’s stress level.
I say “right parenting skills” because ADHD children respond
to a different kind of discipline than neurotypical children. Here are the biggest mistakes I made and the
things I changed to be a more effective parent to my ADHD child.
1) Take things away, spank, or punish. Children with ADHD have been shown to be
able to basically ignore (or not pay attention to) negative discipline. Now, I’m not saying that kids with ADHD
shouldn’t learn that bad actions have bad consequences. But what I am saying is, don’t count on those
negative consequences doing anything to stop the negative behavior in the long
run. You will save yourself a lot of
gray hairs by avoiding dependence upon negative
discipline.
2) Only say what you don’t like about your
child’s behavior. With any child it
is important to teach what you want to see, rather than only what you don’t
want. But with ADHD kids, it is
imperative. The difficult part is, you
need to overcome your child’s motivation barrier by incentivizing good
behavior. ADHD brains have a tough time
doing things that are good, but boring or unappealing in some way. So you have to figure out what your child’s
currency is (video game time, time with Dad, money, and stickers are all
popular) and use it as a reward.
You might feel that this is bribing your child, but it is
not. A bribe is offered once the
negative behavior is occurring. An
incentive is offered before the negative behavior starts, as an encouragement
to good behavior.
3) Talk too much. All kids don’t really want to listen to a
parent go on about what they did that was wrong. ADHD kids take it a step further and really
can’t pay attention to something unpleasant for long. I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk to your
child, but what I am saying is, when the content is negative, keep it brief and
to the point. If you or your child is
upset, wait until you are calm to discuss the issue. Thomas Phelan has written a wonderful book
about this topic: 1,2,3
Magic .
Another related issue is giving instructions that are too complicated, or expecting your child to stay focused for too long. For you, it might not seem too difficult a task to "clean your room" or "get dressed", but your child may need you to break the task down into mini-goals or baby steps. Trust me, it is far less stressful to cheer your child on along each step of the way than to get down on them for each step they forgot.
4) Yell when you can’t get their
attention. Your child isn’t hard of
hearing, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that raising the volume doesn’t
work well to get their attention. What
does work is—prefacing what you say with their name and asking for an
acknowledgement (like, “Yes, Mom.”). Sometimes whispering in the ear softly can force the child to pay more attention than yelling across the room. Engaging multiple senses also can be helpful. For example, you can call your child but also
touch them gently on the shoulder or wiggle your hand in their field of vision.
5) Let your child use ADHD as an excuse for hurting others. We all walk a fine line between allowing our children grace because of their ADHD and letting ADHD become an excuse for avoiding the pain of discipline. In the end, kids with ADHD can help themselves from doing wrong things. Like all children, they may make mistakes and they need to be taught. Unlike other children, they may make many more impulsive mistakes and may take a longer time to learn, so it's extra important to be gentle with your teaching. My rule of thumb is, acknowledge when a transgression was probably accidental/impulsive ("I know you weren't trying to hurt someone." "I know you were just trying to have a good time.") , but make things right if they need to be ("but you hurt someone and you need to apologize (fix it, pay back, give him a hug)").
Some children, especially those with ODD, will need more
parenting intervention than a single article can cover. These are just the basics. There are special parenting classes designed
by psychologists especially for parents of children with ADHD or ADHD/ODD where
you can learn a variety of ways to interact with your child in a way that
promotes better social functioning. If
your child is especially difficult or isn’t responding to the tips I’ve listed
above, I encourage you to talk to your doctor or counselor about one of these
classes.
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