Preschool ADHD and Discipline

What you will hear from the general public about ADHD and disciplining your preschooler will generally be all over the map.

"He just needs more discipline."
"He wouldn't be like that if you wouldn't allow it."
"How can you punish him for something he can't help?"
"If I can't spank him, then how will he ever learn?"
"Spanking is what causes this problem in the first place."
"He's just a kid, let him do..."

However as an experienced mom of a child with ADHD, I can tell you that the truth is not in the extremes.  The behavior of a preschool child with ADHD can be over the top and really confusing to deal with.  One of the top comments I hear over and over again from parents of younger children with ADHD is "I don't know what to expect of  (my child).  He knows what's right but he keeps doing wrong things."

There are two general rules to keep in mind:
1)  You should discipline your child.  All children need guidelines and rules to help them to learn to manage socially.
2)  Disciplining a preschool child with ADHD is lot more like facilitating/teaching good behavior than it is punishing bad behavior.

What you should not punish your child for:
1)  Impulsive actions.  He or she may fly off the handle over little things, or run into parking lots, or jump out of trees.  She may truly forget, in the moment, that you told her that running with scissors is dangerous.  Its important to acknowledge that his or her impulsive actions were just that, not intentionally planned to hurt or scare you or others.  Saying, "I know you didn't mean to (hurt Johnny, break the window, scare Mommy)" can go a long way in getting your child to accept responsibility for their actions.

2)  Not listening.  Your child may not be able to hear what you are saying, even if their hearing is fine.  This is because the ADHD brain pays attention to all sounds pretty much equally.  So any sound:   the TV, the vacuum cleaner, the car starting next door, the dog breathing,  is going to be the same as your voice unless you do something else to get your child's attention like call his name, touch her shoulder, or gently compel him to make eye contact.

3)  Not staying on track.  It's great if you can help your child to stay on task by keeping your instructions to the point and by checking up on him periodically to make sure he hasn't fallen to the wayside.  Also, providing an incentive can keep his mind where it needs to be, especially if the task is boring or tedious.  Try to keep your reminders upbeat and casual.  There's no point in shaming your child over something he truly struggles with.  He'll get plenty of that from other people.

What your child should be capable of learning:
1)  Your child can learn to take a time out in order to calm him/herself and think.  Sometimes it can take a bit of unlearning if you have used time outs as a punishment in the past, but a child with ADHD can learn to take time to calm down and react to a situation after they are done being upset.  It may take you going with them.  It may take you leaving them alone.  You may need to sit down and together think of what types of actions could be calming--reading a book, listening to calm music, hugging a stuffed animal, etc.

2)  Your child can learn to apologize and make things right after hurtful behaviors.  You can't  punish your child for an accident they didn't plan, but if someone gets hurt, an apology is in order.  So you do need to teach your child to admit they didn't think ahead, say they didn't mean to do it and that they're sorry, and make appropriate restitution.

3)  Your child can learn right from wrong.  Just because your child repeatedly makes bad decisions, does not mean that they can't learn right from wrong.  It just may take more time and practice to learn to stop and think things through.  It's important to choose your time and place wisely, however, as well as your tone of voice.  Generally a child with ADHD will only hear meaningless yelling if you attempt to teach them during the heat of the moment when they've done something wrong.  It's much more effective to wait until you and your child are calm to address a wrongdoing.

4)  Your child, once they can hear you, can learn to obey you cheerfully.    Many times I have been upset because my child did not finish obeying me due to her distractability, but when I took the time to break her tasks down into steps, I realized that she was obeying, just getting off track.  It's very important to distinguish between effort and ADHD behavior.  If your child is making an effort, but falling by the wayside, try giving baby steps toward your main goal and see if that isn't more effective.  Please note, though that children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and/or anxiety disorders may have a very hard time obeying cheerfully due to inflexibility and fear.  These children need you to choose your battles wisely in addition to making things smaller and more achievable.  A counselor is often helpful.

5)  Your child can learn to ask for a break.  Your child may not learn to sit still during a church service, a movie, or even during dinner, but they can learn to ask before they get up.   They may have sensory sensitivities which bring them to tears in the weirdest and most inconvenient times, but they can learn to ask nicely to leave rather than to throw a tantrum.  You can help by respecting your child's limitations and making some way for them to escape if they can't handle a situation.

6)  Your child can pay attention to you for a very short period of time.  If you have something important to say, make eye contact, say your child's name and then whatever you say, keep it short and sweet.   Notice that your child will not be doing the learning here.  The parent has to do their own part in changing their communication style to fit with the child's ability to pay attention.